Executive and Leadership Childhood Trauma Coaching

I was coaching an exec at a huge company. Everyone reading this right now knows this company... (They know I am writing this. Of course, I will not reveal their name for anonymity.)

Them: I feel like I am stuck because I have accomplished things I never dreamed of, and now that I have them, I don't know what to do. It's like, what's the point? I don't feel like I have a purpose on this planet.

Me: Most people think purpose is given to them at birth like some magical anointment from god.

Them: *Stares blankly...

Me: You have to create purpose. You have to decide what it is that you want to contribute. Purpose is a media buzzword today,; if we "don't have a purpose," we feel useless. Do you think your wife and children find you purposeful or purposeless? Your Employees? Your friends?

Them: I think they find me to be purposeful.

Me: Ok, cool. So let's drill into that a bit more. Why don’t you think you serve a purpose?

Them: *Sits in silence for forty-five seconds.

Me: *Sits in silence with them.

Them: I think that my whole life, I have been told who I am supposed to be. What I am supposed to do. And how I am supposed to act. My father was such a monster to me emotionally. I was never good enough. I never excelled to his expectations. I never lived into who he wanted me to become. And then, when I started being all those things so that he would love me, he still told me I was a loser. I feel like a loser, man. I work at the biggest company in the world. I make millions. I have a great wife and kids. And yet I still feel like a loser. I feel worthless most days, and this idea of purpose seems to elude me at every corner.

Me: What are you afraid of?

Them: Being like my dad.

Me: That’s not unreasonable, is it?

Them: No. But I feel like without purpose, I will be like him and ruin my kids like he ruined me.

Me: First, you aren’t ruined. Second, I can almost guarantee that you are going to F*&^ Up your kids in some way. It’s just how it goes. *Laugh*

Them: Yeah, that’s probably true. But I want to F*&^ them up less than my dad F*&^ed me up.

Me: That's reasonable. Who in their right mind wouldn't want that? But here's the part that you are missing. You are still talking about your dad. It’s evident he is the cornerstone to why you are stuck. It’s not purpose, it’s not money or career, it’s not even the fear of being like him. Can I share with you what I think it really means? Are you open to something that is going to sting?

Them: Yes.

Me: You are stuck because you are still trapped by your father. You think that it is purpose that you seek, but it is freedom from the indoctrination of HIS beliefs that make you feel like you aren’t enough. The thoughts and emotions tied to the times that you needed his admiration, love, and support keep you from going to the next level. It’s the feeling that no matter what you do, even if you have a purpose like Mother Teresa or Gandhi, you would still not have enoughness as long as you were waiting on his approval.

And I hate to tell you this, but at (age redacted), what makes you think you will if you haven’t gotten it yet? Here is the truth, could he perhaps shift one day and finally give you the things that you need? Yes, but is he doing the work? If not, then you might have better odds of winning the lottery.

You have sought his love and approval for years, and even in coaching together, you have taken my advice and spoken your truth to him, but it fell on deaf ears.

Think about this: Let’s say there is a room. And each time you walk in the room, someone punches you in the face. How many times would you walk into that room before you got the hint?

You'll be freaked out the first time you walk into the room. The second time you will think it’s a trick. The third time you will poke your head in. And the fourth time, you will realize that you are causing your suffering. The room doesn’t change….You do.

You have a purpose, but you are not giving yourself your flowers. You are not appreciating what you do or who you have become. You aren’t grateful to yourself for creating an amazing life. And why? Because all you desire is for your dad to give you what you need.

The heartbreaking truth you must acknowledge if you want to be free is that you very likely may never get that from him, and no matter how big of a life you build, if you continue to seek that approval, you will be let down and feel purposeless.

It’s your father.

Him: *Processes

I remember one time when I was ten or eleven years old. I came home after winning the spelling bee and showed him the certificate that the teacher had given me. I was proud of myself because I had won, and I knew he would be proud and tell me.

I handed him the certificate. It was colorful with a gold medal embossed on it and my name in big, bold letters. He looked at it, looked at me, sat it on the table, and said, “What do you expect me to do with this?”

I was crushed. And that is how it’s always been.

Me: I know. And that is why I told you about the room. Right now, the challenge in front of you is to discover the wholeness that you need inside of yourself. No one can fill that space for you. Not your father, wife, kids, employees, or friends. The depth of self-love one must have to counter what you have been through requires admitting that what you seek may never appear unless you first seek it in yourself.

So, the question becomes, can you love yourself first, knowing that love, pride, joy, acknowledgment, and admiration will truly bring you purpose?